Don't Use Phrases That Make You Sound Dumb
There's certain things you should say, and certain things you shouldn't say. Guess which of those two groups I'm going to be covering?
"I was thinking to myself..." - No shit, sherlock. Unless you have a computer chip implanted in your brain that plays your thoughts over a loudspeaker, I can't imagine the need for this phrase. Throw it away.
"Did you get a haircut?" - This one is especially funny if the person has recently seen you pre-haircut. For this to be a legitimate question, you would have to lose all your hair, then develop a disease immediately afterward that made your hair grow at 100 times the normal rate. If someone asks you this, hit them quickly and don't ask questions.
"I could care less." - Guess what dipshit, that means you care, and in the context it's used, it's a completely worthless phrase that sets off my jackassometer from up to 100 yards away. However, the phrase "I couldn't care less" is perfectly acceptable because it follows a certain set of rules, which is to say, logic.
"Are you asleep?" - If this one needs explanation, you're probably one of the people that uses it, and you should probably punch yourself in the throat until your vocal chords pop out. Seriously, it's the only way.
"It's your only choice." - If it's my only choice, then I have no opportunity to choose another option. THAT MAKES IT NOT A CHOICE.
"If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself." - I want for there to be humans on Mars at some point, but if I tried to build a rocket to get people there, it would most likely end up being a trash can with sparklers taped to the bottom. If you want something done right, pay someone else to do it. They know how to and you probably don't.
"For your information..." - If you are interrupting a personal conversation to make a side note about a business proposal, this phrase is okay. If you are about to correct me involving the color of your socks, stop and think. I am not writing a documentary about your garments, or undergarments, or overgarments, and if I need "information" I'll consult the Encyclopedia Notanidiotica.
Got a comment about this entry?