I Hope My Kid's Not a Dumbass

Every time I see a commercial for the carpet cleaning company Stanley Steemer, it sounds like some sort of bizarre, disgusting sexual act. Like, "Baby, let's mix it up a bit tonight... why don't you give me a Stanley Steemer?" People need to stop putting their ugly, annoying kids in their commercials. Car dealerships in particular are very guilty of this. I'm sorry, you can put a suit on him, put him behind a desk, and have him give a cheesy thumbs up and smile a goofy, crooked-toothed grin all you want, but that doesn't make me want to buy anything except condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. I might start wearing 3 or 4 at a time. I especially love it when they get their kids to repeat their "motto" over and over in unison, but their kids have no sense or rhythm or the english language, and it comes out as sloppy gibberish. Good marketing campaign! Kids are basically just small, extra dumb people, there's no reason to bring them into a business setting. This is what I see when this happens.


There is one upside to having kids. They are fresh in the world, and therefore are terrible at doing pretty much everything. This is a great ego boost when you challenge them to something. Seriously, try it sometime. Go find a 3 year old and play Scrabble with them. Chances are they'll end up eating a vowel while you're spelling "antithesis", and there's no better time to high five yourself. Feeling down about your hand eye coordination? Go to a little kid's tee ball game. After 5 minutes of watching small children swing at a ball, which is not moving, and strike out because they can't hit it, you'll feel like a god damn superhero. Have you ever seen a kid wipe out on a tricycle? That's the ultimate embarrassment. What do you need, a fourth wheel? You do, because your brain hasn't fully developed, and it shows. Honestly, when there's a tricycle crash, it's never just a simple tip, or an abrupt stop. These tiny children somehow get going 30 miles an hour and then hello, curb!


If you like kids, I'm not apologizing, that's funny. I don't drive my car at a tree and then complain when I hit it and get ejected through the windshield.

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