Let Me Do the Math

It's my update page's one month anniversary!


Wherever you are reading this right now, I want you to sing the birthday song. Sing it and sing it hard. When you're done, continue reading! That badass image isn't the only thing I have to share with you tonight.

In the Biggby drivethrough today (yes, it's another work story, cry about it), there was a young man whose drink order came to $3.67. He handed me three dollars, two quarters, two dimes, and a nickel. Nice try douche, it's back to Informal Geometry for you! For those of you out there who know what coins are worth and how to add, you know this is not right, not because he didn't give me enough, but because he gave me too much. I gave him back three pennies, his own nickel, and a note that said "I hate you" in red marker on it. I'll make it nice and simple for you, everyone. If you can't count to 99, don't bother trying to give me exact change. Just smile your dopey smile, hand me the extra dollar bill, and I'll take over the math portion of the exam.

The television show "What Not To Wear", starring the equal bitchery of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, is a plague. It seeps slowly into the brains of its participants, infecting their plum of self-esteem until it is a shriveled prune of self-deprecation. If I want some ridiculous whore to come to my house, make fun of my clothes, throw them away, make me go shopping for new clothes, ridicule my new clothing choices, then follow me around telling me what to buy, I'll get a girlfriend. I don't want that. So why would I want to watch it, you ask? That's a trick question, I can't answer it. There is no answer. You might as well ask me how Schrodinger's cat is doing, frankly I can't tell you without ruining the experiment.

I've heard a lot of commercials where people are quoted saying "(insert weight loss drug here) changed my life!". Hey slightly less tubby guy, if losing 20 pounds changed your life, then you must have a pretty boring fucking life. Oh, you get more chicks now that your beer belly is only a beer bump? You should try getting one of those "personalities" everyone is talking about these days. It'll help you get women that are worth a god damn, instead of shallow shells of a person that care more about pectorals than neurons.


Great, you reduced your number of chins by three, but you probably still talk to girls about wide recievers and 4th and long situations, convinced by years of chest bumping and ass slapping that they give two shits. People who are morbidly obese and lose 250 pounds deserve a hug and as much happiness as they can stand. People who lose an inch off their waist and feel like they are a new person are really the same person, a worthless one.

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