Try Saving Your Brainforest First

Today a woman came into the store, and ordered a drink. She then asked me if I could put her drink in a glass "to go". I told her we don't do glass mugs, all we have are paper cups. She said, "Wow, you're the first." She then said, "Who cares about the environment, right?" I went on to inform her that while we didn't have glass mugs, we had regular mugs she could buy and recieve a complimentary drink in, mugs that cost as little as three dollars. She declined. Then, when I gave her the snack she ordered on a plate, she said "You guys have way too much paper in here!", and gave the plate with her fatty donut grease back to me, carrying it out in a napkin. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, I couldn't reuse her dirty plate, obviously, so I threw it away, which certainly didn't help save the trees. Secondly, she carried it out in a napkin? News flash bitch, napkins are paper! Not only that, but she complains about our paper cups, but won't shell out three bucks for a reusable mug that not only nets her a free drink, but a discount on all coffee in the mug afterward. So basically, she fucking loves the environment, but isn't going to spend THREE DOLLARS to "do her part" to "rescue the rainforest" or whatever stupid conservation bullshit she was spouting off. I don't care if you want to bitch about saving the planet, that's fine, it's a noble cause, but if you're just going to bitch and not make the slightest effort to change things, then you're just bitching, and that doesn't help anything but your ego. When she left she hopped in her SUV and drove away, which is basically her giving the finger to the ozone layer. In her defense, she probably doesn't want to ride a bike around because the helmet would ruin her tacky old lady perm.

There are many inanimate objects that, if they truly have feelings on some deep, molecular level, I feel bad for them.

1. Toilets - This one is pretty self-explanatory. If your sole purpose in life was to be shit in by random people, you would probably be pretty sad, hence my sympathy for these porcelain victims.

2. Shoes - Basically, the equivalent of someone sticking their foot in your mouth, and then slamming the back of your head on the ground with it all day. They probably have extra hatred for cross country participants.

3. Bars of soap - These things go places no living thing should ever be forced to venture. If soap could talk, you'd never use it, because it would be screaming in agony every time you stepped into a shower. Unless you're a hot girl. Then it's totally awesome.

4. Basketballs - It's a rule that every few steps you have to throw the ball at the ground. That seems a little cruel to me.

5. Bedsheets in a fat couple's bedroom - I feel so dirty... I wish the house would burn down, and I could burn with it. Sweet, sweet release. Oh god, here they come. Oh my god, no, don't give her those chocolates! Oh jesus, he's taking off his 6XL shirt! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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