Shut Up, Literally
Today the first thing I'd like to do is apologize for not updating for almost a week, then continue on to say that I didn't have much to write so fuck it.
We're going to be exploring some misuse of the word literally. Honestly, people, we use it way too often, I see a lot of people guilty of this. A perfect example was in a show I was watching today, something on the Discovery channel about when shit goes wrong. A space shuttle had taken off and exploded, and a man was quoted in the interview as saying, "The explosion was huge. It literally scared the crap out of me". This quote could mean one of two things. Either the man is one of the countless many who overuse the word literally, and he just added it to emphasize how scared he was, or he admitted on national television that he shit his pants. Either way, the guy comes off sounding like a total toolshed.
The other day there was a kid trying to draw something on our white board at work, and the markers were at the top of the metal stand it sits on. I was watching him out of the corner of my eye, largely due to my strong distrust of young children, when I saw the stand start to fall. The board landed on his head with a light thump. He wasn't strong enough to lift it off of himself, so he just stood there with it propped against his skull, flailing his arms madly. After I wiped the tears of hysterical laughter from my face about five minutes later, I made a move to go help the kid, but the dad got there first. The funniest thing about it was that the kid was clearly very embarrassed, and described the event to his dad as if he had just returned from some epic, Indiana Jones and the Whiteboard of Doom adventure.
I can't believe that people can take change out of a tip jar and use it to pay for their own shit. That's the most selfish thing I think I've ever seen. What the hell are these people thinking? Okay, let's pretend you can't read, and so the huge word "TIPS" on the front of the jar just isn't grabbing you like it should. In that case, consider the situation. The jar is filled with dollar bills. What do you think, we're so awesome we put out a fucking take a dollar, give a dollar jar? It makes me wish I worked at Dick's Last Resort, that restaurant where they actively abuse their customers. I'd be the one who spit in every meal.
Finally, if you are the kind of person that smokes cigarettes while at a drive through window, you are a dick/bitch and you should be punched/slapped. It was hailing a little bit, and this vagina hat was sitting out there smoking a cancer stick. I closed the window because the smoke was blowing directly in the store, and when I opened it again she said "yeah, that's ice, hahahahahaha!" I grabbed the cigarette out of her hammy, clueless hand, and put it out in her eye. Then I lit it again, and put it out in her other eye, threw her car in drive, put a brick on her accelerator, sat back, and enjoyed the show. I guess the moral of the story is, don't cross me or you'll die, blind and burning to death in a 2 ton metal cage.
Got a comment about this entry?