E! Stands For Excrement
Today I worked for a few hours, then went and ate lunch at Applebee's with my parents. I was on one side of the booth, and my parents on the other. There was a baby behind them that would peek his head over the back of the chair, and stare at me. When I looked at him, he would disappear behind the chair. I was talking to them about something unrelated, and in my peripheral vision I saw the baby very, very slowly rising up from behind the chair. He had a stick of celery in each hand. He looked at me, looked at my mom, then looked back at me, and proceeded to stab her in the head with a stick of celery. I cried for approximately five minutes from laughing so hard. Look for the serial killer known only as the "Celery Shanker" in about 20 years.
There is a show on E! entertainment channel that is dedicated exclusively to showing pictures of celebrities who are not wearing makeup. I am not making this up. Then they have various homosexuals wearing pink Fidel Castro hats, lip gloss, and fingernail polish explaining what makeup the celebrity should have chosen to wear. The name of the show is "Celebrities Without Makeup". The most recent phrase used by a Gaydel Castro was "this makeup job gets two curled lashes down". I watched the show for around 30 seconds, and then they asked me to wait until after the commercial to see milfs; "Moms In need of a Little Foundation". I blacked out, and when I woke up I was holding the severed head of the CEO of E!. Don't tell anyone you read this.
There's a motto for some intestinal regulation drug that says "Restore your body's natural rhythm", which I guess they settled on because "Shit faster and harder" wasn't cutting it in the test groups, and that just goes to prove that I am not meant to work in the marketing field. I would think that horribly tested mottos and product names were awesome. A perfect example is that Dr. Pepper used to be called Senor Brownwater.
If I ever won the lottery, I would probably do the exact same thing I do right now, except I would have nicer stuff and I would be a lot happier. I was thinking about who I would give money to in that situation, and if you're wondering if it's you, it's not. I think rather than taking the "give everyone I like a new car or something" approach, I would just pick my top 10 favorite people, and just pay for everything they need for the rest of their lives. It's a great double whammy, because it simultaneously makes 10 people think I am the greatest person in the world and completely decimates their appreciation for the value of money. After that I would buy an NBA basketball team just as their players signed long contracts, and then make them wear WNBA skirts and yell "Get 'em, girls!" every time they make a basket. Those overpaid asshats should be earning their money, like I did when I won the lottery! Then I would clean up at the annual Hypocritarian Awards, become famous, and retire from doing nothing in the first place at the age of 22.
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