If I Was Still a Kid, People Would Hate Me
I often wish that I could go back in time to when I was a kid, but with all the knowledge I have now. Not because I could better the world by preventing horrifying tragedies, that's for pussies. I want to go back because I could be the funniest and most vulgar child ever to walk the earth. The potential for swearing alone yields infinite possibilities for funny situations. For example: "Kipp, did you know if you do good in school some day there's a chance you'll make lots of money?" "Teacher, did you know there's a 100% chance I don't give a fuck?"
Or: "Kipp, pick up your toys or you can't go to recess." Myself to another student: "Can you believe this cranky bitch?" I'm sure you can think of your own examples where this would apply.
The other point that Matt brought up about this is that you could pull pranks, and it would be completely untraceable, since you would be so young people wouldn't accept that you could do such horrible things. He suggested the classic move of putting crazy glue on your teacher's chair, which I like. I would also put urinal cakes in the teacher's sandwiches at lunch, or maybe saw a couple of the legs of the teacher's chair very thin so once she sat down it would explode into splinters, sending her to the ground. I'd probably get caught anyway, because I'd be the only kid that witnessed it that would yell "Holy shit, that was priceless! I'm going to high five myself for that shit!".
Today I realized that video games suck now. Not all of them, there are a few good ones out there, but for the most part, it's all repackaged bullshit. I can only think of five or six video games made in the past 3 or 4 years that I found worthy of completing, or even playing more than an hour. Back when I was a kid, every video game you got was the most epic adventure you had ever experienced, each one consistantly raising the bar for the next. Then all of a sudden, technology forced huge leaps in graphical realism, and storylines, character building, and general fun gameplay fell by the wayside. Guess what, if I want to watch 2 hour cutscenes in super realistic graphics of people talking to each other and engaging in mild battle scenes, I'll rent a god damn movie. Apparently, if I want to participate in a story that has stuff that happens, with characters that don't leak bullshit in every scene, I have to go on ebay and buy an NES.
A perfect example of this is Chrono Trigger for the SNES. When this game came out, I played it at LEAST three times through in rapid succession. It had everything, a compelling plot, a unique twist, tons of character development, fun gameplay, and the soundtrack still gives me a boner. It's like at the end of a great movie, when you feel glad the characters resolved their problems and everything worked out okay, except YOU'RE THE REASON IT ALL WORKED OUT. You fought the monsters and you shared the spoils of victory. All I know is that when my kids are growing up, if they're into video games, I'm going to give them the option of going 8 and 16 bit, because without having those games as a kid, I'd probably have gone outside and played sports. The only thing that leads to is a great 4 years in high school, some sort of ridiculous injury resulting in a severe handicap, and an adulthood inquiring about the status of whether or not someone would enjoy fries with that.
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